My 1925 Craftsman cottage in east Nashville has spiders. Apparently, lots of them, and of many varieties. My favorite, of which I already secretly knew lived in these walls, but denied their presence inside my own brain — as if that would make them go away like a bad bedtime monster — is the brown recluse. Yes, the very same species that is one of North America’s most poisonous. That’s saying nothing of the black widows I’ve seen hanging around outdoors near the house. Neat.
My 1925 Craftsman cottage also has two boys (three, and one) scampering around in it. Occasionally, in the worst portions of my day, I deny them of myself. How? By checking out mentally, daydreaming, wishing I could be anywhere else but having to be responsible for two needy small humans. I’d rather walk down the block to the municipal golf course to get in a quick 9 holes than watch the boys for the same amount of time I could be sinking 8-footers. I am that selfish, that self-centered, that needy, that fraudulent and, yes, poisonous, too. Denying my own children — or anyone else close, for that matter — of myself possesses no health. Not neat.
Honestly, I don’t know the point of this post. I haven’t written anything in weeks, and it’s mainly just an exercise to get me off my mental duff seeking out a few quickly thrown-together words. The mental duff is a terrible thing to waste, just like a good metaphor. Not that this post is an attempt to equate eight-legged bugs with two-legged children. That’s neither the point, nor the metaphor. I would hope that aging gets easier, but it is slowly dawning on me that that, too, is denial. Just like the spiders. Eight legs or no legs, denial is an awful hollow place to reside. And a fearful one. And we all know what Jesus himself said repeatedly about fear. “Don’t do it”, or something to that extent. Lord, grant me courage and desire to leave the sinking ground, to face life head-on, to love and LIKE those who require more of me than I am able to humanly give. And give me courage to slip on my shoes each day, but only after checking them for indwelling arachnids. And for toys.